Living in Bold | Celebrate What's Right With the World
Living in Bold
by Tania Carriere
July 15, 2018 - 8:36am

It happened again yesterday. I was on the bus watching the stops go by and witnessing the kindness of a boy giving up his seat. 

First, an uncomfortable prickly feeling in the corner of my eye and then, then it spread with alarming speed; a sudden increase in my heart rate, a flush of red up my neck …

And before you know it, I am tearing up. 

Water barely being held behind my lashes, I open my eyes just a little bit more in the hopes that I can dry my eyeballs out sufficiently so as to not wipe them and give myself away to everyone sitting around me. (By the way, this technique is, more often than not, futile). And I chuckle fondly at myself and ask. “Again, Tania?”

I don’t know why it happens, some kind of alchemy – the beauty of a moment, the humbleness I feel, the authentic experience that I am immersed in- all combine together into something that just overflows. 

I tear up when I hear the national anthem sung in the arena, I tear when I see children being silly, I tear at the expectant faces in arrivals after an intercontinental flight. I tear at the sincerity of the server who asked me if I’d feel more comfortable moving to a quiet corner to finish my writing, and when the cardinal and his mate sing at the feeder and always, without fail, I tear when I hear Amazing Grace, even if it is the most terrible Musac version and I am in an elevator on my way to a meeting.… The truth is, everyday there are tears. 

It used to make me so uncomfortable, this propensity to leak. At the first sign of this liquid response I’d lurch, in a sudden panic, to cover up the moment: pinch myself hard, suddenly tell a joke or most often, grab a camera and focus on taking a photo, all to disconnect just a little bit. Anything to avoid being caught in this vulnerable place of emotion. 

That was before I learned to just take a breath and let them be.

I’ve come to believe that my tears are simply signposts; notations from me to me. They say 

LOOK HERE Tania! There is something going on here that matters, something that should be noted, understood or just sat in. This moment means something to you. Pay attention!

My tears are my innerSelf putting a moment in bold for me. A way to highlight, emphasize and have me remember. 

As soon as I feel the familiar prickle, I just sit with the fullness of the experience and wonder, “what is there for me to know right here? What is it that wants my attention?” 

The anthem is about being connected, the children are about my overwhelm, the faces are about being wanted, the server is about being seen, the bird is about beauty and Amazing Grace, well that is about something higher than me. 

Recently I was in Paris and so jet lagged that after hours of tossing and turning I gave sleep up and went for a walk.  Pre-dawn quiet blanketed the cobblestone streets and I paused to sit in the park and watch the light. I gradually became aware of the silhouette of a woman on a bench not far from me, impeccably dressed, on the phone. I recognized in her posture the anguish that I heard in her voice. She was saying goodbye to someone. She sat there alone, tears streaming down her face. And I, a tourist in her city, was swept away by the feeling of those life changing moments when our hearts are breaking. Perhaps because I was tired, I just let the tears stream down my cheeks. It was not my heartache, not my moment, not my story - but somehow it felt like solidarity, courage and a simple acquiescence to the moment to experience the emotion. I got up to give her some privacy and she looked at me just as I passed by. She saw my tears welling. I am sure she saw on my face both compassion and knowing. She did not try and wipe her tears away and so in respect, neither did I. We just let that moment live in BOLD. 

What I remember is that there was such a truth to our shared experience. A few seconds of connection and presence. Neither of us had chosen in that moment to hide. I saw a flicker of recognition and gratitude in her eyes. Somehow she knew that her silhouette had moved me, and my compassion, clearly visible on my face, let her know she was not alone. 

My tears are my connection to humanity – In bold

In celebration, 

Tania

A shout out to my uncles, proud French Canadians, who can drop a tear faster than you can sneeze, and always wore their emotions proudly. 

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My dear friend, Dewitt Jones and I will once again be hosting a transformational retreat- OCTOBER 27 - NOVEMBER 3, 2018 in beautiful Molokai, Hawaii.

"The Re-Imagined Self",Invites 15 women to pause and recharge in order to reclaim or discover the woman they will dare to be now - redefining aging and beauty, celebrating what it means to be feminine, powerful and bold. Join us! https://www.advivumjourneys.ca/retreats/-hawaii

 

Barbara Kinbackon July 16, 2018 - 7:42am

It is so reassuring and affirming to find that I am not the only one that tears up in these moments. As a matter of fact, I am sitting here typing my comment with my tears about to leak down my face. Okay, reached for the tissue that sits ever ready by my side...Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing this because I too have tried to hide these moments and will now forever on let them show.  Much Love and Light!

Thanks Barbara. It is a journey of vulnerability and bravery, isn't it? I smile thinking of you reaching for a kleenex. I was tearing up as I edited my writing and thinking "Goodness Tania, you WROTE the piece, how can you possibly tear up at THAT??" so it is reassuring and affirming to me to know it touched you and we are connected through our tears and humanity. Tania

Megg on July 16, 2018 - 9:46pm

I loved your comments on leaking tears.  I have recently lost the love of my life and find that my tears are now my best friend.  I find relief knowing that I can cry.  My heart is alive and my tears are proof!  Thank you for sharing your inner most “leaker”.

thank you Meg. There is no roadmap for grief, but certainly the comfortable expression of what is true and what holds deep meaning and emotion through our tears is a necessary and healing part of the journey. Thanks for sharing your story. Tania

Barb Bozzoon July 17, 2018 - 1:23pm

I do believe that the essence of living life to the fullest is our ability to connect with others through the depth of empathy - being able to "step into their shoes" through shared experiences and feelings.  Love your reference to "a moment in BOLD" - those moments that we intuitively have a personal connection to and usually come with an awesome life-lesson.  Tears are often generated when our inner child, wounded teen, frightened young adult or present adult are reminded of special moments they experienced or longed to experience in their lives.  I also find that those of us who "bottle up" our tears will find that once something happens to let them flow, they flow for all of the reasons they were held back in the past.  That happened to me - both my parents died within a year of each other.  There were tears, but not cleansing for me.  When our dog died a year latter, I could not stop crying.  Now, I welcome the tears as a sign that I connect with the moment and cherish the relationship or incident that caused them.  They bring back wonderful connections or make me empathetic to a cause that needs to be addressed  - mostly with abuse and neglect of children of the world.  Thanks, Tania, for giving my TEARS a front seat in my emotional well-being. 

Tania Carriereon July 17, 2018 - 3:38pm

Oh I love that "tears a front seat in my emotional well-being". Yes, I think they belong there! Connecting with the moment, the experience, each other is so important. This blog is simply another way that my tears have both expressed themselves and allowed me to connect with the beauty of people like you. 

 

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